The banging of the gavel echoed through the chapel, silencing the crowd.
The seven members stood solidly, wearing flowing, vibrant gowns.
One of the 13 men dressed in suits, stood on the altar wiping the sweat from his right palm onto his pant leg.
The active members stood silently by the pews observing respectfully.
The flashing of cameras lit the chapel as the 13 men individually accepted their pins.
After the ceremony, all of the men joined and exchanged handshakes.
All members stood tall and smiled as the guests took pictures of the 13 men's first day as pledges of the fraternity.
2 comments:
Some good detail, but I'd like to know what was going on. You don't tell me quite enough so I can figure it out.
Punctuation, typo: One of the 13 men dressed in suits stood on the altar (not alter), wiping the sweat from his right palm onto his pant leg. (Nice detail, though)
Paragraphs 5 & 7 are passive voice. Use active voice to make this piece stronger.
B
Better. A-
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